A Bathroom Blowjob

I’d never witnessed a prelude to public sex before Sunday.  Preludes to private sex, yes – but public? Never.

I was at one of those fantastic restaurant/pub deals, and the establishment was almost deserted save for myself, my friend, and a table of loud, rowdy, drunk 20-somethings.  They were doing shots of tequila. 

Odd for a restaurant.  Even odder for a Sunday night. 

However, I once drank myself retarded (and $100 poorer) at a Boston Pizza on a weeknight when I was 19 – so who am I to judge?

One guy was a loud-mouth bastard.  He was obnoxious and vulgar (and not in a good way).  He had an off-putting fratboy quality about him.  He punctuated every sentence with a loud “fuck!”  He believed his stories about benders and epic hangovers to be genuinely enticing (they weren’t special or original).  He bragged about his spending habits (which is never a dignified thing to do). 

However, he had a fan.  She might have been his girlfriend.  I couldn’t be sure.

They didn’t seem particularly cuddly or intimate in that “exclusive couple” kind-of-way.  He didn’t have his arm around her, and she wasn’t leaning into him.  However, when their companions left to go smoke outside, they turned and started kissing. 

Since the restaurant was empty, I could make out parts of their whispered conversation.  I managed to overhear – and I’m paraphrasing – “if we don’t do something about this soon I’m going to have to leave and jerk-off.”

That caught my attention.

I, being of a naturally salacious disposition, strained to over-hear the erotic exchange.  It ended abruptly, with the obnoxious fratboy grabbing the girl’s hand and pulling her towards the washroom.

I started an irritating running commentary at that point.  I told my friend what they were doing and where they were going, and guessed (out loud) at what they’d do in the men’s restroom.

A quickie against a wall?

A blowjob?

Probably a blowjob, we concluded. 

10 minutes (if not less) later, the couple emerged.  The guy was grinning and sweating like a pig.  Well, not like a pig per se – but there was visible moisture upon his brow.  He had an awkward half-erection.  The kind that flops around at half-mast.  He continuously pawed at his balls on his way back to the table.

I think he caught me staring, but I don’t think he cared. 

I suppose that, if I were a loud-mouthed bastard, I’d sneer at those unlucky enough not to receive random oral sex in public washrooms. 

Nothing but a little public copulation to make an ordinary evening that much more memorable. 

On another note, I had two disturbing dreams last night that have plagued me all day.  Both were vaguely sexual, yet extremely telling. I’ll hope for no future encores come nightfall. 

It Appears that the Devil is Talking out of Your Ass Again

I understand that it’s unwise – unacceptable, even – to make giant blanket statements about complicated social issues.  In life, there are few absolutes.  In the end, it’s all about context, theory and rhetoric.  If you can argue a point well enough, you’ll get supporters in your corner.  Someone else will get other supporters in theirs.  Then you can argue forever, which will make your life more interesting (if not exhausting).

 However, there are some arguments that cannot (and should not) ever hold H20.

 Such as the argument that God – yes, God – wants you spank the ever-living shit out of your wayward, irrational, child-like wife. 

Behold:

www.christiandomesticdiscipline.com

A site dedicated to affirming that it’s perfectly all right – desirable even – to institute an authoritative, dogmatic hierarchy in your household and allot one person (the old male person) the right to physically assault those who, like, give him dirty looks and refuse to smile when he farts at the dinner table. 

This “lifestyle” is for two types of people.

1) Kinky people

2) Abusive people

There’s no in between, make no mistake of that.  If you long to slap the naked ass of a grown woman for hours at a time, you’re either a run-of-the-mill S&M enthusiast or an asshole. 

If you’re a woman who loves the feel of a hard hand against your ass for hours on end, you’re a run-of-the-mill S&M enthusiast or a passive victim of domestic violence. 

If a woman feels that bad moods are manifestations of demonic possessions (or ungodliness) and decides that she needs the beasts expelled through a little over-the-knee “tough love”, she’s a kinky girl into submission.

Spanking is a common sexual practise (I wouldn’t even call it much of a fetish anymore).  People, generally fearful of finding themselves in humiliating and demoralizing situations (like corporal punishment), sometimes cope with their discomfort by eroticizing it.  If you like what’s being done to you, you haven’t relinquished your autonomy.  You’ve requested seemingly inhumane treatment, and therefore it’s titillating rather than mortifying.  Women are not the only people who do this, men do it too (that’s why there’s such a thing as a dominatrix). 

For most (I hope) of these spank-happy couples, their means of keeping the peace is probably more about obtaining sexual thrills – and there’s nothing wrong with that in and of itself.  What’s wrong is the pitiful, misogynistic posturing.

“God wants female subjugation, and the only way to achieve it is by instituting blatantly (but not admittedly) erotic punishments for derelict wives/girlfriends.”

I haven’t read the bible from cover to cover, but I doubt God, Moses, Matthew, Mark, Luke, John or Jesus every said any such thing. 

Religion is notoriously good that shaming its followers for having sexual desires, especially desires that stray off the rigid and narrow path of “normal.”  Though S&M (lighter aspects, of course) has become more and more popular, it’s still a fringe movement, practised in different ways by different people.  It’s not something everyone – particularly those closely associated with Christian denominations – would readily admit to dabbling in.  So how does a devout follower of a pure deity come to terms with his or her taste for painful foreplay? 

By cloaking their fetish in theological rhetoric.  They justify their kink by claiming it’s not inherently sexual, but innately spiritual.  Spanking is the best way a man and a woman can maintain the “natural” power imbalance in their marriage.  However, those intent on dominating their spouse would probably choose physical and emotional coercion over a relatively well-known sex act.  

Another argument could be that, in a case where one or both partners is not getting hard/wet at the prospect of a thorough “punishment”, the dominant partner is instituting a troublesome power imbalance sustained by genuinely painful “corrective procedures” that provide the abuser with a false sense of comfort.  If the punitive measures are approved by Christian domestic discipline enthusiasts, then they can’t be manifestations of one partner’s very real desire to threaten, frighten, and abuse the other.  So for people afraid to risk the legal/moral/philosophical/spiritual repercussions of routinely assaulting their spouse, they have some wiggle room with “consensual” anti-egalitarian power dynamics. 

Either way, there’s no pure motive for needing or wanting a defined and continuous sub/Dom relationship within a 21st century marriage.  You’re either kinky (which is cool), or you feel entitled to abusing your partner/feel you deserve abuse (not so cool, I don’t think). 

Perhaps this “lifestyle” has provided a safe haven for good Christian girls to act out desires they’ve had since adolescence without fear of social reprisal. I’ll bet a lot of them like to accidentally spray their husband with the garden hose when he’s on his way to work, and immediately blame Satan and claim they can feel him coiling up inside their pulsating nether regions when all they wanted to do was tend to their beautiful, feminine rose garden under the warm morning sunshine.  I’m sure they enjoy the warm morning sunshine beating against their bedroom windows while they promise to be “good girls” while rubbing against their godly man’s thigh. 

Their godly man no doubt likes his wife’s naked ass, or he just likes giving someone bruises.   

I hate to make a blanket statement, but there probably isn’t much in between. 

In case you think I might be mistaken, and that a desire to be closer to God is what compels couples to commit to spanking-filled marriage, check out this website:

http://lovingdd.blogspot.com

Once you sift through the user comments about the benefits of “forced” nudity, genital slaps and nipple pinches, you’ll see where I’m coming from.